Day 18

I used to feel really lucky
with everything I had
I was so happy
to be where I was
to have what I had
to know what I knew
to feel what I felt
And somewhere
maybe this year, maybe last
that all slipped away
and I Started feeling
insignificant
irrelevant
unimportant
worthless

I wonder when these words became a part of my vocabulary of self.
I know I should try to change that
but its all I can do to get through the day.
One foot
now the other
It didn't used to be this hard.
It didn't used to be this lonely
or was it always
and I was just so numb
from all the pain
and the cruelty of humanity
that I just didn't care?

Even though they did the same thing
in 8th grade, right after middle school
somehow
I don't think it felt this bad
I guess because
I didn't really have the option of laying in bed
crying.
I didn't really still have contact
with those people I used to call friends
I didn't have to see them
Sitting in front of me
looking back
whispering
smirking
hiding their face from me
when we pass on campus.

I guess I didn't have to watch someone else
get welcomed with open arms
to everything I'd ever dreamed to be part of

To be part of
What does that feel like:
Belonging?
I'm not sure its ever something I've felt
I think part of the reason
I don't mind taking risks
Don't mind trying new things is because
I'm still looking for
a place where I fit in
a place where I don't feel
alienated
but its everywhere

Sometimes I think my dad was right.
I don't belong
here
anywhere
with anyone.

I don't imagine my putativ statement
that she will dump me is far off