Day 20

Last night
she curled up in my arms
and sobbed
because people
were saying mean things
about her acceptance
to the secret society
and how
even I
Thought she wouldn't have time for me
(Because when you are a part of three "secret" organizations
during their initiation period
where you are initiating others
and in turn
being initiated
where is there time
for me?)

She cried
and I
asshole
could not muster the energy for sympathy
I think though
I got over myself
and the fact
that she's living my dream
She said
that they went through every
single
person
in the entire class. Looked into them
Tried to find high points and low points
Like that was supposed to make me feel better
I
Who have no niche on campus
for whom nobody will speak
highly of
because I have no friends
no groups
nobody
not even her,
lately,
it seems.

She gets angry when I mention this, and cries and pouts
I'm sorry
I'd like to have some time with you
She said this morning
that she probably wouldn't have time
to meet me this week
except maybe briefly
I am sad
since it is Almost Thanksgiving
and I will be leaving
and she will very probably
spend that night before
with her sisters
frolicking

I had a nightmare last night
that my roomates
who had left with me
joined APO
the service fraternity
on campus
together
without me
because I couldn't bear to be near
those drunks- when you say
No thank you, I do not drink
They get angry
rough, try to force you into it
They are
very rude
very drunk
very crude
and I dreamed that my roommates
left
and joined them
and I was
all
alone
without
anyone
to
relate
to. . .

It is hard
to live
without a group, but in retrospect
the only groups
I never was in
I hovered near the edge
like someone not quite integrated
Who didn't quite belong
but they let me stay
until They became fed up with me
And it has always been this way

This makes me sad. I wonder if I am a loner
and how I will survive in a word
where Extroverts are the driving
force
How I will make it anywhere
since everyone requires
references
and I can't even find
a single student
professor
janitor
to speak to
without feeling as though
they think I am
wasting their time
with my innate
awkwardness.

It is very lonely
to be a loner.

And I don't know how to fix it
because all the communities
and groups on campus
are not interested
in juniors
they only want
freshmen, sophomores
to continue their legacy
and I am left
feeling unwanted
just like freshman year
when everyone talked about
how everyone wanted them around
how everyone got invited to everything
and I just kind of hoovered
and never knew what was happening
outside my room
because I'd venture out
and nobody would talk to me
and I would talk to nobody
because I slept through orientation
when everyone made their connections
and forever
I feel like
I've been behind
like I don't belong
like I'm not worth a flying
fuck.
This sucks
and I don't know how to fix it
except by graduating
and by the time I graduate
I guess it'll be too late
and won't really matter
not anymore.
Because in the real world
when I get a job
I won't have any groups to connect to either
and that sort of worries me
that I'll be like,
All Alone
All Over Again
with nobody from college who remembers me
and nobody from high school who remembersme
except in passing

What it means
not to have a confidant
what it means
to be alone

I think next year I'll buy a cat
I could've used one this year
but the landlord won't let me
so
I guess I'll just have to suck it up.