Day 31

I feel.
So
SICK.

and she's so busy
whining
about how only 20
of 24 people
wanted to join her "secret society"
clique
Greek House.

Pathetic.

I can't believe I never noticed
how vapid
shallow
selfish
elitist
she is
before. . .

She plucks her eyebrows, whitens her teeth every 3 weeks.
obsesses about her appearance
complains how sloppy other people look
when I'm
laying there in ripped jeans
and a tshirt
barefoot
no makeup
no bra
haven't even brushed my teeth since noon
put no
effort
into my appearance
unless its
for a cosplay. . .

Day 30

I really should be studying
for Biochemistry
but honestly
when I know I won't get a B
no matter how well I do on projects
or how well I understand the material
(When you don't use the right keywords,
when the professor doesn't really speak english
and can't understand your sentences)
its really hard to be motivated
to study
knowing
I only need
a 29% on each test
to get a C.

Day 29

ANIME BOSTON!
I'm excited
It'll be a geek fest
Bishi's in costumes
Everyone showing off their finery
Buying tons and tons of shinies
with tons and tons of monies
ferreted away over the year
Prereg: only $35 until this friday!!
I can't express my excitement!
My only problem
that I'm now stumped on is:
What should I use as my badge name!?

Nyx or Nyxling is too hard to pronounce,
Kitty feels too common, and nobody's called me that in ages anyways
and since I don't really have friends enough
to help me find a new nickname
I guess I'll have until Thursday night
to Figure THAT out.

Any suggestions, empty world?

(Secretly I wonder if I'll be single then and will be able to have illicit love affairs with all the Gendos and pretty boys. . .)

Day 28

I thought
eh didn't care
because I stayed up
until 1:45 am
waiting for him to come
for him to call.
Instead
he went back to sleep.
at the house.
Long before I
and now
I am exhausted
and
a little bit
lonely.

Day 27

I have
no sympathy
when you
play video games for
six hours
and pretty much
ignore me
as I read on the couch
and then
complain
for three hours
while you surf the web
in a frustrated manner
ignoring the homework
you bitch about.

"Life's so hard!" you whine
as you dig through ebay
for things of interest
"I have so much work to do, I'm not going to bed until really late!" you exclaim
when I know
that at 11pm, like clockwork
you'll shut down your computer
with a sound of dissatisfaction
about how much you
DIDN'T
accomplish.

And I'm left
sucking up the brunt end
because
you don't have time for me.
Well,
I feel no remorse
for leaving you
to find someone
who does.

Day 26

Doing nothing.
AWESOME
:-D

Day 25

"SOS. Call Police" Bus 74 screamed
as it rumbled by
The exhausted crowd
stood, numb
Was I hallucinating?
Nobody moved. So I did
Went, found some guy
told him what I saw
Dunno what happened to it
Guess I'll never know what happened to it.
Funny
Sometimes
Detail Orientation
is awesome. :)

Day 24

Thanksgiving
Pecan Pie
Pumpkin Pie
Mince Meat
Mint
Chocolate mousse
THen the
five types of stuffing
three kinds of rice
acorn squash
yams
sweet potato
Baked TurDucHen, deep-fried turkey
Eat until you burst
Laugh with the family
Watch the kids scramble
PLaythings on the stairs
I really
really
love
Thanksgiving

Day 23

Flying back
I was really worried
I wasn't going to make it
But
Imadeit.

Day 22

Doing nothing
never
felt
so
good.

Day 21

I hate them.
In seventh grade,
not telling me they were sick-
with cancer,
with heart disease-
seemed kind of okay
though it was uncomfortable
and awkward to hear about it
from other people's parents
and maybe I kind of forgave them for that
because they always did treat me like too young
for my age.
But now
I'm twenty, an adult
I'm graduating next year, but
when my dad got sick
they didn't tell me
until after he was "fine"

What if he wasn't fine?
Would they just send me an email
in the same format:
oh, can't wait 'till your home for
Thanksgiving
We'll have Turkey and Duck and Chicken
You can do the
Cranberries
Like you always do
and make the
Pumpkin pies
from scratch
What time's your flight?
Oh by the way
you're father's just out of the hospital (Another heart attack?)
Everything's fine now (what if things hadn't turned out fine?)
Tell you when you come home ("I don't want to talk about it")


Still, I guess it was nice of them to tell me
I could've gone home
and never even known
though that would have made Thanksgiving with the family awkward
without forewarning
"So how's your father (heard he was in the hospital)?"
"Good. . .(should I know something I don't?)"
"Hope he gets well soon (shit he didn't know)!"

Day 20

Last night
she curled up in my arms
and sobbed
because people
were saying mean things
about her acceptance
to the secret society
and how
even I
Thought she wouldn't have time for me
(Because when you are a part of three "secret" organizations
during their initiation period
where you are initiating others
and in turn
being initiated
where is there time
for me?)

She cried
and I
asshole
could not muster the energy for sympathy
I think though
I got over myself
and the fact
that she's living my dream
She said
that they went through every
single
person
in the entire class. Looked into them
Tried to find high points and low points
Like that was supposed to make me feel better
I
Who have no niche on campus
for whom nobody will speak
highly of
because I have no friends
no groups
nobody
not even her,
lately,
it seems.

She gets angry when I mention this, and cries and pouts
I'm sorry
I'd like to have some time with you
She said this morning
that she probably wouldn't have time
to meet me this week
except maybe briefly
I am sad
since it is Almost Thanksgiving
and I will be leaving
and she will very probably
spend that night before
with her sisters
frolicking

I had a nightmare last night
that my roomates
who had left with me
joined APO
the service fraternity
on campus
together
without me
because I couldn't bear to be near
those drunks- when you say
No thank you, I do not drink
They get angry
rough, try to force you into it
They are
very rude
very drunk
very crude
and I dreamed that my roommates
left
and joined them
and I was
all
alone
without
anyone
to
relate
to. . .

It is hard
to live
without a group, but in retrospect
the only groups
I never was in
I hovered near the edge
like someone not quite integrated
Who didn't quite belong
but they let me stay
until They became fed up with me
And it has always been this way

This makes me sad. I wonder if I am a loner
and how I will survive in a word
where Extroverts are the driving
force
How I will make it anywhere
since everyone requires
references
and I can't even find
a single student
professor
janitor
to speak to
without feeling as though
they think I am
wasting their time
with my innate
awkwardness.

It is very lonely
to be a loner.

And I don't know how to fix it
because all the communities
and groups on campus
are not interested
in juniors
they only want
freshmen, sophomores
to continue their legacy
and I am left
feeling unwanted
just like freshman year
when everyone talked about
how everyone wanted them around
how everyone got invited to everything
and I just kind of hoovered
and never knew what was happening
outside my room
because I'd venture out
and nobody would talk to me
and I would talk to nobody
because I slept through orientation
when everyone made their connections
and forever
I feel like
I've been behind
like I don't belong
like I'm not worth a flying
fuck.
This sucks
and I don't know how to fix it
except by graduating
and by the time I graduate
I guess it'll be too late
and won't really matter
not anymore.
Because in the real world
when I get a job
I won't have any groups to connect to either
and that sort of worries me
that I'll be like,
All Alone
All Over Again
with nobody from college who remembers me
and nobody from high school who remembersme
except in passing

What it means
not to have a confidant
what it means
to be alone

I think next year I'll buy a cat
I could've used one this year
but the landlord won't let me
so
I guess I'll just have to suck it up.

Day 19

The apology
yielded a kind of
helpless dreamless sleep
and the next day
Lazy and lax
after a few hours of night
spent doing
what I've always expressed I'd longed to do with her:
Poker,
Beer,
movies,
falling asleep nestled up together on the couch. . .
It felt like a dream

I didn't want it to end

Day 18 and seven eighths

She said
She was sorry
and moped off
downstairs
with a
"I'll be back"
though I know
she's really just
off hanging out with her sisters
being social-
there, her laughter floats up the stairs
I should go home
but part of me
still hopes she'll come back up
and tell me
the words I really want to hear:
"I didn't mean it"
but this phantom in my head
cannot fix my broken heart
or stop the unhappiness

Day 18 and three quarters

The one I love
Just told me
after Shaq pizza(french fries, bbq sauce, bacon)
that I paid for
and fresh carrot juice
and Volt
during the walk home
that she doesn't notice
when I'm not around
Doesn't notice
when I
Disappear
Said I
should be more vocal
when I disappear. . .

I told her she hurt my feelings
She just laughed
threatened to throw herself off the short cliff-steep-hill
(The one I went sledding down last winter
on trays stolen from the cafeteria
after I broke down and cried
And she wasn't around)
down into the parking lot

I didn't react
I was trying not to cry.
She pouted, said 'I'm an idiot!'
and I trudged
the long walk
back to the house.
She does not comfort me
when we get back
though I'm pouting, storming, crying
inside
like a five year old who was just told
Santa Claus isn't real.

She just turns away. And stares at her computer.
To the only one I'd pretended I'd mattered to
The only one I thought would miss me if I
disappeared
just told me
she wouldn't even notice
unless I said something first
and even then
I'll admit to you
if you promise not to tell:
I don't think she'd even try to stop me.

Day 18 and one half

Maybe someday I'll get over
watching all my dreams shattered
like broken glass
all over the warehouse floor
and I'm curled in the corner
cold and dark
the sunlight filters in through the windows
faded, pale

and there are my dreams
little slivers
little shards
cracked like broken mirrors
all over
the floor
and I'm curled up in the corner
barefoot
with my kerchief over my head
watching the dust mites filter down
and too tired
to pick up the pieces
too hopeless
to move.

Day 18

I used to feel really lucky
with everything I had
I was so happy
to be where I was
to have what I had
to know what I knew
to feel what I felt
And somewhere
maybe this year, maybe last
that all slipped away
and I Started feeling
insignificant
irrelevant
unimportant
worthless

I wonder when these words became a part of my vocabulary of self.
I know I should try to change that
but its all I can do to get through the day.
One foot
now the other
It didn't used to be this hard.
It didn't used to be this lonely
or was it always
and I was just so numb
from all the pain
and the cruelty of humanity
that I just didn't care?

Even though they did the same thing
in 8th grade, right after middle school
somehow
I don't think it felt this bad
I guess because
I didn't really have the option of laying in bed
crying.
I didn't really still have contact
with those people I used to call friends
I didn't have to see them
Sitting in front of me
looking back
whispering
smirking
hiding their face from me
when we pass on campus.

I guess I didn't have to watch someone else
get welcomed with open arms
to everything I'd ever dreamed to be part of

To be part of
What does that feel like:
Belonging?
I'm not sure its ever something I've felt
I think part of the reason
I don't mind taking risks
Don't mind trying new things is because
I'm still looking for
a place where I fit in
a place where I don't feel
alienated
but its everywhere

Sometimes I think my dad was right.
I don't belong
here
anywhere
with anyone.

I don't imagine my putativ statement
that she will dump me is far off

Day 17

There was no resolution.

Everything feels hurtful to me
Really, I should be proud
Look at all she's obtained
my significant other
but at the same time
deep down,
I ache
because she finally achieved
my dream. . .
the one I've been working for
for the past three years. Working hard.
And it all shattered to pieces last summer
and I know its really selfish of me
really mean and cruel
to be upset
when she gets accepted
to that one thing I've sought to be accepted into
since I was a freshman.

I shouldn't be so jealous
its cruel of me to wish for things
I know I don't deserve
because I'm not good enough
at anything
to be recognized by anyone else.
and even when I do something
I'm proud of, that's amazing
its pushed aside
like something irrelevant
because it doesn't interest someone else.

I know its not fair of me to be upset.
But she's made her own dreams come true
and now she's living mine
and I am left with a broken heart
that nobody wants to hear about
nobody to talk to
nothing to be proud of
because I
like everything I do
am worthless
and irrelevant.

Day 16

I'm so tired
and stressed out
that when it feels like I have nothing left I can do
in the morning and
the warm lazy afternoons
and then night rolls around
and I become aware
Just how DOWN TO THE WIRE
we are.
How little time remains
and how much is left to be done (we haven't even started testing).
How we don't even have the nebulizers. . .

And on the inside I'm wondering
if I'm not getting fucked over just because
I feel like I am all the time.
Like, seriously. If I stand up for myself?
If, maybe, I stand still for a minute and yell, HEY EVERYONE
and instead of being invisible (I've gotten more invisible lately, and I'm learning to use it. . .
maybe I was just supposed to be a rogue all along)
I can be visible
and make people understand
No, this isn't "just some school project"
it could've been real
if you'd let me make it real
if you'd let me put my soul into it
I've already put a whole lot of time
effort
heart
into this paper
I'm tired of you dirtying my work
making me feel worthless and shitty
of going home and crying at night
because I'm no good
because nobody likes me
because I have no reason to feel good about myself
except my work
which you tell me,
"Its just a paper"
"Don't get so emotional"
I want to rip your face off.
This time I'm not backing down
I'm going to watch you fail.
And I'm going to enjoy it
In some sick twisted way.
Destroying your GPA-
while I get my A.

Day 15

I think I might finally be finding
the light at the end of the tunnel
I can see it,
Just over there,
right straight ahead of me.
I'm inching towards it
Getting nearer
Having convinced them to have a meeting
Having spoken to innumerable people
Having made certain
that I'm not overreacting
that I'm not exaggerating
That yes, there is a giant problem.
I've finally managed to find a meeting time
(Despite all of their claims that they are "too busy")
that I've goaded and shoved them all into
Yes, its only a thirty minute stretch
but they've all said they'll be there.
And I can finally unload
All the problems I have with the IQP
Ask my questions about what they want
Make them come to an agreement.
That.
Is the point and purpose.
And Now that I've figured that shit out,
Written my questions, thought out my speech for while I called them together,
having written down my problems
now all that's left
is going
and talking.

That
is the hardest part.

Day 14

UGH! I thought I knew
exactly what
both of them wanted
and how to balance it
but I see now
that Jose and John
are on completely different ends of the spectrum
I don't know how to integrate
these two ideas any other way
I am confused.
Medicine is Medicine
I thought to integrate
Our Technology with Their Technology
in terms they use for Their Technology,
And extrapolate how the social structure changes. . .
John wants to see more of Their Technology,
Belief System, Magic, Healing, Medicine,
What Our Technology might mean to Them, how they might interpret that.
Jose thinks its bullshit.
He thinks its invalid, because Medicine is Medicine
We don't need this spiritual bullshit
But do it anyways, it will make the other guy happy.
I don't want my paper
that Ive spent a whole semester working on
(In a quarter system, thats a lot of time)
Three Whole Class Equivalents
just to have half of it brushed aside
Like its a load of bullshit
Like it doesnt really matter,
its just a school paper. . .
but I put a lot of my heart and effort into this paper
and trying to make both sides happy
is destroying me.
Jose cares only about the technology
Thinks the rest is "bullshit"
John only cares about the society
Thinks the rest is less important.

I feel like everyone's mad at me
for not understanding how to integrate
everything
that everyone wants.
without making my paper worthless.

My partner doesnt understand
that any concept has changed since the beginning
he thinks our original proposal
is just fine and dandy
but obviously
(I found out, once I wrote an outline)
This isn't what anybody wants. at all.
I'm so lost and nobodys around
to help
just like always
I am tired of trying to find my way
dragging my slacker IQP partner
tired of trying to please two people
who contradict each other at every meeting.

How do you say nicely,
"John, Jose thinks your ideas arent valid"
"Jose, I'm not going to throw aside all these books I read"
"John, how am I supposed to pick out which parts of an autobiography to read? Which parts of a nonfiction story? The chapters aren't labeled by what happens, only by obscure references that make sense at the end of the chapter. Even so, how would I understand who the people were, what they did, what was happening and the relevance of it, without reading the entire thing?"
"Jose, you hurt my feelings when you said all the work I did was on an unrealistic topic, and that all the nonfiction was fake"

How do you tell them,
"You're being contradictory of each other." when your partner sits there and nods and smiles and says, Everything is fine! I dunno why she's bitching and freaking out!
and nobody will answer your questions
because they think your partner has a handle
when really
all he can say to explain is,
Look at the original proposal
Which is no longer valid
because Jose said it was bullshit
and John said its focus was all wrong.

Why isn't there anyone
near
to help me?????????????????????????????????????????

Day 13

I think Ive figured it out
Though I'm still frustrated
The project
now, organized, fits nicely
in the palm of my hand
I've just finished four pages
of the literary review;
only six more, and five sources after that,
before I'll be done
with my literary review
and then I can write my introduction
and then I can write the rest
and hopefully
Ive managed to pull this paper together, in the end.

Day 12

Today
they crushed the car
smashed and crashed
crushed
and folding it
into a tiny square
two wheels on the ground
two wheels stacked above
bent into some weird
kind of fake
clump of metal
but inside
after dark
my heart shrivels
because I know
even though
There are a lot of new rushes
and a lot of interested guys
not all of them will be accepted i n
some of them will be turned away
and,
knowing how it hurts to be spurned. . .
it breaks my heart
to know that these people
that I will get close to
will experience that.
Though, I guess in a way,
it won't be half as hurtful
as it was for me.
I hate how the world tries to shit on me.
I hate everyone.

Day 11

I have never felt
so disgusted
in my
ENTIRE life.
My email
saying,
Yes! I'll be there!
Yes! I'll do it!
was completely ignored
and teh blunt response
announcing that I would not be going
sent out by the SPONSOR
makes me feel sick
to the depths of my stomach.
I want to cry
am I really this
unimportant
and worthless?
I want to cry.

Day 10

Its so depressing
to see all the work you've done
brushed aside
like its unimportant
worthless
meaningless
because somebody else
doesn't think its interesting:

Not even a passerby,
but the one who determines your grade
The one whose partner
told you to read
all twelve of those books
and when you show up to the meeting, proud as ever tha tyou finished them all before the halfway point in the term,
only to hear their nasty
cruel, careless, off-hand words
comment on how useless
dumb
stupid
worthless
all that reading is. and not to do it.
oops. too late.
guess my effort is just as
dumb
stupid
worthless.
That's how I feel.
I hate you all. If quitting this IQP wouldn't fuck over my graduation
I would
and leave you all in the lurch
not tat you'd care
'cause its not like
in your eyes
I matter, after all.
I'm just a mocking post
because I'm out of your loop
and entirely not worth being around.
here it is again
everything I do
comes to nothing
and everyone looks down on me
no matter how much effort
I put forth
I am
worthless
and I
hate it all.
I wish I could kill them.
though that wouldn't solve a thing
and it makes me sad
that nothign I do
will ever change
their contempt
their disgust
their fear of me
like I'm a beast
that wants only to destroy them
when really
they seek me
to hurt
and punish
without purpose.

Day 9

Slow sliding, force shifting
hot sweat trickling down
How could moving so slow
ache so much?
Drifting back, shifting back
Slice the air, but not harshly.
Smooth, sliding, like on rails
Dodge this way, dodge that way
break the cold and pain and pressure
slowly arching, stretching, bending
soft and smooth,
strong and graceful
quivering like leaves in the window.

Tai chi!

Day 8

Its hard to explain
how trapped I fell
Biology and memorization
I long for adventure
either of myself
or through books
I wish I hadn't chosen
This major, knowing that
I didn't really want it
Biochemistry.
Chemistry I adore, especially
when there are living things involved
But biology
is rote memorization
theoretical
all pictures and movements.
I adore Steroids, Ubiquinones,
the long fatty acyl chains on lipids.
I hate
the way we have to memorize the
HDL, LDL, VLDL, chylomicron circuits
What they do
Where they drop or pick things up
how they are degraded and formed.
Yes, very good, but what is this purpose?
Why will I need to know this?
I love watching things form and unfold:
TCA Cycles, Gluconeogenesis, Glycolysis, Beta Oxidation;
devoured lipids become steroids become vitamin D and K.
I hate
memorizing the different names of the lipids
watching how they wriggle in their cell
explaining flipases and transfer reductases.
What good will knowing all this do me?
Is it just a basis upon which I can complete my research
a place to start, a means to an end?
When will I ever honestly be tested on my knowledge of the complex structures of sphingomyelins, ganglioside uses, how the mitochondrial proteins are made?
Frustration

Some days,
I wish I were an english major.

Day 7

It crackles
Underneath
the water's edge.
whispers
like a current
inside my head
dances
spinning,
carnival ride
blasting
exploding like
fireworks without the beauty
tension through every muscle
hissing sweat
drenching, drowning
mind aching and throbbing:
Stress
My Hell On Earth.

Day 6

The soft feel of fur
the warm green eyes
nestle close, closer.
How can anyone feel lonely
when there are cats around?
It is impossible. They nestle close and lick
with their sandpaper tongue and soft fur.
The friendliness and sweet nature
How can anyone feel lonely
in the company of cats?

Day 5

Loneliness
is not the bottom of a cup
or the burnt end of a blunt;
it is not the burning tingle of flesh on a light bulb
or the bleeding slow drizzle of blood on skin;
it is not the color blue
or the briny smell of the sea
or the feel of the wind
or fluff and circumstance.
Loneliness
just
is.

Day 4

The squirrels chirped fatly on the sidewalk
Soup's hair flutters darkly in the breeze
Standing Still
Pretending they cant smell her.
Dark beady eyes star, watch carefully
Wary
She calls them lazy, fat, and stalks off pouting
"They were almost my friend!" she cries
and between the silliness and beyond the absurdity I can see
Her hopes and dreams standing aloof
Unsure whether they are shattered or simply existant.
Maybe she never found something solid to hold on to
so the silliness and laughter stays like something lost

Day 3

Sometimes I wonder what made me believe I could win a popularity contest.
I guess I thought my money would be worth it.
I guess I thought my looks would be enough.
Ha! People like me gain no respect
And when I did get in- by sheer strength of character,
by good impressions and confidence:
(oh, how I fooled nationals! They thought I was a perfect candidate)
the others didn't accept me.
Fraternities, Sororities, Greek Honor Societies. . .
You can't buy your friends: this much is true.
But repeated exposure and cooperation- doesn't that make friendship?
It was an opportunity to be part of a group-
something bigger than me-
that didn't require blind faith or mindless following;
No, they claimed that leadership was fostered.
What a fool I was! I believed them, thought maybe,
with this new chapter, this new outreach. . .
I could help make something that wasn't full of hazing,
fake friendships, and elitist natures.
I thought I could foster community and make it
yes,
sort of like sigma pi.
Sort of like how I felt there. . .like I finally had a home.
But that, too, collapsed. . .there is nobody for me to turn to when they are off
wrapped in their sheets and playing with their props
doing their special rituals to make them feel included. important. a part of everything.
But how cruel the knowledge
that rituals and parties and cooperation do not make friends.
How cruel watching the tight-knitted handholds crawl into and around the others
but not me.
Does the feeling of alienation cause me to be alienated,
or do I just pick up on signals that the socially comfortable overlook?
I feel the discomfort that evades the room when I'm around,
hands empty of red cups,
eyes without false lashes and flattery.
I would not be taken advantage of, I would not be cheated,
I WOULD NOT BE TREATED LIKE SHIT.
And so I tried to leave. . .they let me go,
but more of a "I Quit!" "No, you're fired!" kind of confusion. . .
I try to speak frankly with the higher positions, but they weren't interested
in commentary, criticism, an outreach to find someone who cared.
Just as vapid and arrogant as the ones on campus. Why did they take me???
I am awkward and alone and know too much for happiness or peace.

I am happy I am no longer a part of them.
At the same time, there is a raw and aching wound
where my confidence used to be.
What group can I join
I am independent, lone wolf,
but I do not wish to be this way.

But it has always been. I find a place, where I might linger at the fringes, and with this I am happy, content.
But always, the group expells me:
First 8th grade, and now.
Why must I always be rejected from the group.

The pain of thinking for yourself:
there is nobody to back you up when things go to hell.
Even those who know what they do is wrong,
don't care, because beign part of the group
is more important than integrity
more important that morals or ethics
especially
when it comes to fraternities, sororities, Greek honors societies. . .