Day 16

I'm so tired
and stressed out
that when it feels like I have nothing left I can do
in the morning and
the warm lazy afternoons
and then night rolls around
and I become aware
Just how DOWN TO THE WIRE
we are.
How little time remains
and how much is left to be done (we haven't even started testing).
How we don't even have the nebulizers. . .

And on the inside I'm wondering
if I'm not getting fucked over just because
I feel like I am all the time.
Like, seriously. If I stand up for myself?
If, maybe, I stand still for a minute and yell, HEY EVERYONE
and instead of being invisible (I've gotten more invisible lately, and I'm learning to use it. . .
maybe I was just supposed to be a rogue all along)
I can be visible
and make people understand
No, this isn't "just some school project"
it could've been real
if you'd let me make it real
if you'd let me put my soul into it
I've already put a whole lot of time
effort
heart
into this paper
I'm tired of you dirtying my work
making me feel worthless and shitty
of going home and crying at night
because I'm no good
because nobody likes me
because I have no reason to feel good about myself
except my work
which you tell me,
"Its just a paper"
"Don't get so emotional"
I want to rip your face off.
This time I'm not backing down
I'm going to watch you fail.
And I'm going to enjoy it
In some sick twisted way.
Destroying your GPA-
while I get my A.