Day 42

Being ignored
fucking sucks
being told
that they have to ignore the whole entire rest of their life
to spend any amount of time
or attention on you
also
fucking sucks.
FUCK!
why do I have to feel like shit
because SHE can't get HER priorities straight?
Maybe we aren't meant to be at all.

Day 41

I guess I couldn't mention
how hurt I was by
watching
her
tell me she'd have time for me
then as soon as
she didn't want to be there
anymore
she just walked away
and left me there
wondering what I'd done
so completley wrong
to drive her away.
instead, she claimed
she had work to do
oh so much homework
and so I got mad
said, way to be an ass
way to ditch me
bitch.
and she cried and sobbed and tried to
make me feel like shit
like she always was
but all I wanted to do
was hurt her
until I remembered how
vulnerable
she was near me
and it made me want to be alone
so I wouldn't hurt her.
Instead I took a day off
and last night
at 2am she showed up
drunk
crying
repentant
with a video game
and a card.
You can't win my love.
You can't buy my forgiveness
I'm still thinking
about
You.

Day 40

I'm really sick of people
How I try so hard
but everyone just feels offended to be near me
and everyone just gets upset near me
I tried
so hard
to be there for people
to help them
to fix things
to improve things
but somehow I manage to intrude
on their personal space
and hurt their feelings
and I'm tired of being with someone
who doesn't listen
just thinks they can kiss my forehead
and walk away
leaving greasy lipstick smears
on my skin
and powdery blush
dropped from a mound of too much
in my eye.

Day 39

A date!
She finally made time for me!
We're going on a date!
I suggested making a Gingerbread House
Her apartment-
it'll be delicious
She suggested dinner
at the Goat's Head.

I bought an extra cookie-
one of those decorated Christmas ones
she eyes whenever we're at the store
But whose expense ($1.50 for one??)
always wards her off.
It will stand in front of our first house
with our gingerbread people
and icing side walk
until we tear it to pieces
with our teeth.

I have never been half so excited
as I am just now!

A date! We will be together!
She suggested we do it at the house, but
I know, surrounded by her own kind
I'll be ignored
and I don't want that
not on this date
I don't want unclean fingers
sticking into my dream home. . .
or beered up breath
stinking up my dream lawn.

No, for now I will shower, and get ready
Look handsome! Button down shirt, shave, slicked back hair.
Go to class, meet her afterwards to walk down to the movie shoppe
Pick out something romantic.
Meet again tonight
after my Biochemistry meeting.
We'll walk to the Goat's Head
I'll be so proud
to have such a beautiful date
on my arm!!

She'll glisten and glow,
wear that silly golden thing she loves
so soft, so glittery
all eyes on her,
my hand 'round her waist
We'll eat, and laugh
and slide across the ice
all the way
back
I can't wait!!

Day 38

I knew I was forgetting something
Who needs to write poetry
when everything is so beautiful
and easy?

Day 37

I got lost
in the ease of the day
stress is all gone
but so is
most of my motivation
Nothing gets done
and for whatever reason
I like it that way.

Day 36

Its funny
how sometimes
I can be so happy
but every once in a while
I feel like the world is weighing down
and chocking me.
Like,
why am I depressed NOW?
its a beautiful day.
I did everything I was supposed to.
I feel accomplished. I fixed things.
I should be proud of myself
but instead
I feel this cold kind of finger of emptiness
and I wonder at it
What it is
Where it came from.
And how
easily it goes away
when all I do
is whisper to myself
that yes
somebody
likes me.

Day 35

The snow fell
silent
thin
I watched from my desk
near the window
until the snow went away
an dthe sunset
and wondered
why I had wasted
such a beautiful day.

Day 34

I am all ready to start my ISP
I only need to convince some unwitting professor
to let me maybe borrow a lab
or supervise my writing.
Maybe I'll find someone who loves plants.
Maybe I'll convince someone
that what I'd like to research
is really really worth a semester in a lab.

I'm sort of scared, though
that if I present my findings
my hopes
my dreams
that they'll deny me
this little bit of desire
to fend off C-term loneliness
crying angrily:
"THIS IS AN MQP!"
But, so what if it is?
I don't mind graduating a year early. . .
Do I?

Day 33

I slept all day.
There is no poetry
when the mind is outside
playing.

Day 32

Bid Night
was totally insane
and awesome
I felt so sick and tired
I went anyways
Geez, what a pussy.