Day 3

Sometimes I wonder what made me believe I could win a popularity contest.
I guess I thought my money would be worth it.
I guess I thought my looks would be enough.
Ha! People like me gain no respect
And when I did get in- by sheer strength of character,
by good impressions and confidence:
(oh, how I fooled nationals! They thought I was a perfect candidate)
the others didn't accept me.
Fraternities, Sororities, Greek Honor Societies. . .
You can't buy your friends: this much is true.
But repeated exposure and cooperation- doesn't that make friendship?
It was an opportunity to be part of a group-
something bigger than me-
that didn't require blind faith or mindless following;
No, they claimed that leadership was fostered.
What a fool I was! I believed them, thought maybe,
with this new chapter, this new outreach. . .
I could help make something that wasn't full of hazing,
fake friendships, and elitist natures.
I thought I could foster community and make it
yes,
sort of like sigma pi.
Sort of like how I felt there. . .like I finally had a home.
But that, too, collapsed. . .there is nobody for me to turn to when they are off
wrapped in their sheets and playing with their props
doing their special rituals to make them feel included. important. a part of everything.
But how cruel the knowledge
that rituals and parties and cooperation do not make friends.
How cruel watching the tight-knitted handholds crawl into and around the others
but not me.
Does the feeling of alienation cause me to be alienated,
or do I just pick up on signals that the socially comfortable overlook?
I feel the discomfort that evades the room when I'm around,
hands empty of red cups,
eyes without false lashes and flattery.
I would not be taken advantage of, I would not be cheated,
I WOULD NOT BE TREATED LIKE SHIT.
And so I tried to leave. . .they let me go,
but more of a "I Quit!" "No, you're fired!" kind of confusion. . .
I try to speak frankly with the higher positions, but they weren't interested
in commentary, criticism, an outreach to find someone who cared.
Just as vapid and arrogant as the ones on campus. Why did they take me???
I am awkward and alone and know too much for happiness or peace.

I am happy I am no longer a part of them.
At the same time, there is a raw and aching wound
where my confidence used to be.
What group can I join
I am independent, lone wolf,
but I do not wish to be this way.

But it has always been. I find a place, where I might linger at the fringes, and with this I am happy, content.
But always, the group expells me:
First 8th grade, and now.
Why must I always be rejected from the group.

The pain of thinking for yourself:
there is nobody to back you up when things go to hell.
Even those who know what they do is wrong,
don't care, because beign part of the group
is more important than integrity
more important that morals or ethics
especially
when it comes to fraternities, sororities, Greek honors societies. . .